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Is The Voice Inside Your Head Kind? Awareness of Self Talk & How to Curate It

Updated: Jul 31, 2023

When you speak to yourself, is the voice inside your head kind? For most of my life the answer to that question for me would have to be a resounding NO! I don’t remember when it started. I know that I was younger than eight-years-old. Was I born this way? I don’t think so.

It is only now that I realize that I have always been sensitive. I think that most people would tell you that I’m tough and independent. And I am. But from as early as I can remember, I was deeply affected by what other people thought about me and said to me. I was a born people-pleaser who was raised with, perhaps, a not so healthy dose of criticism about my looks and intelligence. So I developed a coping mechanism of thinking really harsh things about myself and convinced myself that they were true. I figured that it would hurt less if I said it first.

Well, this coping mechanism became a habit. And this habit became the seemingly permanent voice inside my head that carried me well into adulthood. I realize now that I was a bully – but only to myself. I was mean, unyielding, unreasonable and unforgiving when it came to me.

Moreover, I was living a double-life. On the outside, I was a confident, capable professional who spoke with conviction, supported by facts and reason. But on the inside, I was rarely proud of my own accomplishments and thoroughly berated myself any time I failed to accomplish any thing to perfection.

When I finally discovered that my thoughts are a choice, I realized that I had been making really bad choices for a very, very long time. I started to change when a friend suggested that I put post-it notes on my bedroom and bathroom mirrors that say, “I love you,” and read them out loud to myself every day. This technique, made famous by Louise Hay, was, at first, VERY difficult. Initially, I avoided glancing at the post-it when I looked in the mirror. After a few weeks, I forced myself to read it. It took a few weeks more to begin to say it out loud, even though I felt like a total fraud when I did. But over time, it became easier and easier for me to just say, “I love you” to myself – and mean it. I gave myself permission to love myself exactly as I am, flaws and all.

It took me two years of consistent effort to break the habit of negative self-talk. I would hear negative words in my mind – or coming out of my mouth – and I would say to myself, “No. That’s not true.” Sometimes I would stop mid-sentence or mid-thought and correct myself.

What I learned during this two-year journey – with the help of Eckhart Tolle and some other wise teachers – is that I am not the voice inside my head. But I am, and have been, deeply influenced by it.

Why The Voice is Nonetheless Important

Here’s the thing about the voice in your head: It really affects how you feel every day from moment to moment. First and foremost, that voice is your regular (if not constant) companion. Being around anyone who is negative is such a downer and a drain. If the voice inside your own head is always or even regularly negative, then you are in some really bad company.

If you follow the teachings of Abraham Hicks, you already know that nothing is more important than the way you feel. (If you’re not following the teachings of Abraham, I can’t encourage it enough!) In case you need a primer…

Ester Hicks channels the collective wisdom known as Abraham. Abraham teaches, among other things, about the Law of Attraction. The basic principle is that each of us draws to ourselves things, people and experiences with which we are in resonance. Our vibration is our point of attraction. Our vibration is affected by how we feel. And how we feel is affected by our thoughts. So when you find yourself thinking about what you don’t want, what you lack or what you fear, you are actually feeding that very thing. Therefore, if the voice inside your head is negative, you are in a constant state of lowering your own vibration and point of attraction.

Changing Your Thoughts

All of this is to let you know that, in fact, you have the power to change your thoughts. Here’s how I retrained my brain:

1. Awareness. Start by being mindful. Become aware of your thoughts. Take notice of the volume of your thoughts and whether they are positive or negative.

2. Challenge Yourself. When you become aware of a negative thought (about yourself or someone else), ask yourself whether it is true, kind or helpful.

3. Redirect Yourself. If the thought is not true, kind or helpful, acknowledge it as such and move on. If you catch yourself mid-thought or speaking to someone else, don’t hesitate to stop and redirect yourself – or simply say, “You know what? That’s not really true.”

Changes don’t happen overnight. At least they didn't for me. But the work has been truly rewarding. I find that not only am I kinder to myself, but I’m also kinder to others. And that feels great.

Additional Material

If you’re interested in learning more, I recommend the book “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay, as well as the movie by the same name, which you can purchase and download here: I also recommend anything by Esther and Jerry Hicks who publish the teachings of Abraham. A great place to start is “The Law of Attraction,” which you can find at any bookseller. There’s such a wealth of amazing educational tools by Abraham. You can find a full compliment of books, audio books, recorded lectures, cards and calendars of the teachings of Abraham Hicks at There is also a wealth of free material on YouTube by Eckhart Tolle.

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